It's not toxic, it's just a bug

Dear boyfriend,
   I have so many thoughts inside me and this is really new to me. Because I generally say whats on my mind because I believe in conversations. With you I experience some difficulty in these conversations. The first thought that may come into your head is that here I go blaming you again. This is not a blaming text, its a kind and pure bundle of words I feel but can't express with the feeling of you understanding them. It doesn't matter how much I tell you about my problems, you want me to behave in a certain way that can make you happy. Its not currently possible for me. I am sorry if I don't laugh on your jokes, I genuinely don't find anything funny. I spend my whole days watching sitcoms and I Don't even remember when was the last time I found them funny. I told you this even though I was not comfortable repeating the only guy I tell everything yet again that m not feeling normal. I really felt like you would understand even just out of empathy. But then all you did went to meet your ex and tell me how insanely she was laughing at your jokes again and again. It's really important time in your life, I don't wanna take up any time of yours. Thats why am just writing my thoughts to get them off my chest. I really love you. I know when I just say we should split up, youe feel like I am not not bothered by that idea but the truth is that there are certain red flags for me and they don't go far but limited to the behaviour. All I want from a relationship is an insanely strong bond of friendship in which there are no bounds to what we can share and what we can't. A relationship in which doesn't matter how angry we are, the thought of hurting each other doesn't even come to the mind. I don't think this is alot but this is extremely important for me and I can't work do without these. Everytime I propose the idea of splitting up is after these kind of fights when I worked and tried but its just not something you feel necessary. Yesterday, you were mad at me. You met your ex which is okay. There is no problem with that but then you told me things you felt like would make me feel bad, worried, hurt me. When someone is angry, physical abuse is not the only thing. Verbal abuse is equally hurtful. This is not normal and am aware of that. But if I will tell you all this you will feel like am blaming you or want to leave you. Honestly, I want to live with you for eternity but not like this, Stuck in a loop.

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