LET'S TALK ABOUT EMOTIONS

It's been two years since I lost her. Life has not been the same after that in any aspect. I guess nobody can recover from that kind of loss or I don't wanna recover. It's so fucking lonely inside or outside too. I have isolated myself from the world after that. But inside.. doesn't matter how much I try that void just keeps getting bigger and bigger. I don't feel things you know. I feel like a fucking baby who doesn't want anything but just her mother. Idk if I'll be a good daughter then or not but I just want her. Told ya, a fucking baby. It's so cold and emotionless. I don't even cry anymore until I really think about her. Sometimes I feel like I have moved on. Sometimes it all just keeps going. My boyfriend said something the past day. He said, "I feel the same way that life is just passing by and I am not feeling satisfied by anything. But I don't have anything to complain about atleast we can eat daily and all our loved ones are in good health." I, to my own surprise replied with "Yes, atleast you have them". I feel like I am paying somedebts here in this world. I came up with this philosophy from book Many Lives, Many masters. In that book it was written you decide when you are gonna leave your current body. Whatever I am paying for must be a hell lot. Because living like this daily, suffocated, meaninglessly, in your own empty world, in your head. All alone surrounded by so many people but knowing that none of them can ever fill that void inside you. No-one can make you feel anything, no-one can ever replace her. And worst of all knowing that you are a human at last, you will give in on the mindless, unimportant, insignificant, stupid problems. You will spend hours thinking about useless stuff because you are too afraid to think about important stuff, the stuff which actually matters, the stuff that happened but "nothing can be done about". You spend your life meaninglessly in this meaningless chaos. Oh! To be in this hollowness called being human. Don't get me wrong, I am glad and everything for this life, being healthy, eating, without any disability. It's just that lately it feels painful like this, living without her is painful. I realised something today, doesn't matter how much I try I can never be same ever again after her. And honestly it makes me feel a little very little but it's does make me feel minutely better.

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